Ep 12 | What’s Actually Behind the Fear of Merging Finances?
In this episode, Priya Malani shares the story of Ava and Matteo, a high-earning couple navigating the emotional side of merging their finances. Their journey reveals the deeper fears that often hold people back - like losing control, repeating family money mistakes, or simply not knowing where to start. Through their experience, Priya explores how financial intimacy is built not by spreadsheets, but by trust, transparency, and communication. She offers practical steps for merging money with your partner, but more importantly, reframes the process as a tool for connection - not just logistics.
Tune Into This Episode to Hear:
Why fear of merging finances usually has nothing to do with money
How hiding financial details can quietly erode closeness in your relationship
What Ava and Matteo got right—and wrong—when trying to combine their money
The small shifts that turn financial stress into a sense of shared purpose
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Transcription
Say it out loud.
I'm scared we'll get divorced and have to untangle everything. I'm worried you'll judge how I spend money. I don't want to feel like I have to ask permission for a latte. When you say the quiet part out loud, you stop letting fear drive the relationship and you make room for a real connection. Enough foreplay.
Welcome to The F Word. I'm going to tell you a story about Ava and Mateo. They were your classic millennial couple. They split everything proportionally based on their incomes because that felt fair. They each had their own checking account, credit card, their own rhythm. Mateo made more, so he paid more. Ava felt good not having to owe anyone anything. But when it came to their finances as a couple, things felt separate, disconnected.
Mateo had watched his mom feel trapped financially. So he promised himself never to give up control of his money. Ava grew up with a dad who made all the financial decisions. So she craved transparency, not power—just clarity. Every time they tiptoed towards merging their finances, they froze. The tension was there, but so was the fear.
One night, wine in hand, frustration simmering, they finally cracked it open. Ava admitted she was scared of being left in the dark. Mateo admitted he was afraid of being taken advantage of. That conversation changed everything. They didn’t just merge their bank accounts. They merged their mindsets. They created a system that gave them both exactly what they needed: visibility, autonomy, and trust. That’s what we’re all looking for.
Within months, they hit the road. They were able to get their money back. They reached their savings goal for a home, booked a trip to Lisbon (business class, no guilt), and stopped seeing money as a minefield. Instead, they started seeing it as momentum for their relationship.
Their secret? They stopped trying to protect themselves from each other.
Now, let’s talk about you. If you listened to episode 10, I cracked open the mindset shift it takes to operate like a team when it comes to your money. That was the playbook—a system thousands of hirers are already using successfully. And yet, I've heard from my listeners, some of you are still scared.
If that’s you, this episode is your mirror. Because what you’re calling scary, it’s not. Childbirth is scary. Your dog swallowing a sock is scary. Merging finances? That’s logistics. And actually, it’s intimacy. I’ll explain.
So, if you found yourself nodding through the past two episodes and then chickening out, this one’s for you. First, I want to say that this isn’t about money. It’s about control. Let’s call it like it is. The fear of merging finances is rarely about the dollars. It’s about what those dollars represent: power, freedom, vulnerability.
Maybe you grew up in a household where money meant control. Maybe you were raised to believe that independence equals safety. Or maybe you’re just afraid of what your partner will think if they see you spending $120 on eye cream. Guess what? You’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re just human.
I was listening to Mel Robbins the other day, and she was talking about sex—not money. But the advice still hit. Just talk about it. If it feels hard, it’s probably because something’s gone unsaid. And when it comes to money, there’s a lot we don’t say.
I can tell you now, the avoidant type is natural. I’m naturally going to be averse to the idea I’m about to share. Too emotional, too exposed, too woo-woo. But that’s exactly the partner who benefits most from this conversation. So if you’re the one brushing this off as a cute idea, get over yourself. Tell yourself you’re doing this for your partner. But know you’ll get more out of this in the end. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
And if you’re the one who has to lead the charge, tell your partner to grow up and be a team player. Rope them in. They’ll thank you in the end.
I want to talk about why talking about it changes everything. The fear you’re feeling, it’s not a red flag. It’s a conversation starter. Say it out loud. I’m scared we’ll get divorced and have to untangle everything. I’m worried you’ll judge how I spend money. I don’t want to feel like I have to ask permission for a latte.
When you say the quiet part out loud, you stop letting fear drive the relationship and you make room for a real connection. More often than not, your partner will say, "Yeah, me too." You don’t have to fix the fear. You just have to air it out. That’s how intimacy grows.
So, I want you to do this before you do anything else—before you open any account or even glance at a spreadsheet. Do this, each of you, separately. Sit down, and free write for 10 minutes. Think about what comes up for you when you think about merging finances. Write down everything—rational, irrational, positive, petty, emotional. Don’t filter. Don’t make it make sense. Just get it all out.
Then skim it. What of it are you afraid to share? What would it feel like to say it anyway? Because here’s the truth: hiding things from your partner—big or small—is not a good thing. It’s not just your finances it hurts. It chips away at your closeness.
Sharing even the messy stuff is what builds real connection—not the curated Instagram kind, but the we’re in this together kind. After all, what are you really protecting, right?
After episode 11 dropped, I got a message from someone who said, "The system makes sense, but my partner and I are still scared." They’re married. She listed all the reasons—they already have their own accounts, they use different credit cards to optimize rewards points, and they don’t want to mess with what works.
Let me just say this: optimizing for credit card points while ignoring your household financial strategy is like rearranging the furniture on the Titanic. It gives the illusion of control, but it won’t change the outcome.
If using separate cards makes it harder to track your spending, and that creates more stress or misalignment between you two, who are you helping? And here’s the part that really matters: a lot of people think keeping money separate protects them. Like, "This is my account, that’s your account."
But unless you have a prenup or postnup, in most states, that separation is meaningless in the eyes of the law. If you’re married, your income, assets, and debts are often considered joint property. My money, you think you’re protecting? It’s not. It’s not just yours anymore. So what are you really holding on to? A false sense of control? A protective instinct from a past relationship? Whatever it is, name it. That’s where the real work begins.
Also, it’s worth mentioning—you’ve already done harder things. Let’s just zoom out. People are here bringing entire human lives into the world with less conversation than they’re having about opening a joint checking account. Think about that. We celebrate couples for having kids, but we don’t even talk about creating financial efficiencies. That’s silence.
That’s what makes merging finances feel taboo. But taboo doesn’t mean dangerous. It just means unexplored. So you’re not crazy. You’re just learning a life skill that most of us never got taught. And that doesn’t mean you can’t master it.
If you’re ready to take the next step, here’s the path:
Have the fear talk before opening accounts.
Open up emotionally. Share your past experiences, your money triggers, and what you’re actually afraid of deep down.
Define what merging means for you guys. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe it’s a joint account for shared expenses, individual accounts for personal spending. Find the mix that balances transparency and autonomy. But transparency.
Set shared experiences. Any costs or needs that allow you to burden more employees, share with your users. Money feels safer when it has a purpose.
Because for a lot of us, what we’re really afraid of is merging money with our significant other and then them spending it all. It’s the 21st century. Use automation. Set up auto transfers for your bills, your savings, and what’s left over for you to spend. The less you have to think about it, the fewer fights you’ll have.
I’ll leave you with this: if you’ve been afraid to merge your finances, know this: you’re not avoiding a financial decision. You’re avoiding emotional discomfort. And that’s okay. But don’t pretend it’s about the math.
You fell in love. You figured out how to share a bathroom. You’ve already done hard things together. This? This is just the next level.
Thanks for tuning into The F Word. If this episode made you uncomfortable, good. That’s where the real growth lives. All right. See you next time.
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